Andrew Kelly, news writing tutor at NoSweat, commented on my two stories and helped me tighten up my intros:
My first story intro: A leading Chinese community activist claims London's Chinatown would collapse if the new immigration rules are not amended.
Andrew's intro: London's Chinatowm will collapse if new immigration rules are not changed, says a leading Chinese community activist.
He explained in the e-mail reply: "London's Chinatown will (rather than would) collapse if (no need for 'the') new immigration rules are not changed (amended is correct but changed is more commonly understood), says a leading Chinese community activist.
My second story's intro: "Members of the public are fed-up of sitting Labour MP for Harrow East Tony McNulty, saying they would vote for other parties to keep Labour out."
Andrew's intro: "Voters in Harrow East say they want expenses scandal Labour MP Tony McNulty out.
He commented the way he writes would be more effective than my openning paragraph.
In addition, Andrew also gave me essential advice of how to write effective intros overall:
* less is always more so remove any words that are not
essential or
* try to find single words that cover a series of words.
* Also think about creating maximum impact by changing the arrangement and using active and present tense.
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